


Desideratum

by iskinnedmyheart



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Platonic Soulmates, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, What Have I Done, What I Go To School For Exchange, What Was I Thinking?, at least thats what im going for, i find the lack of oikage fics disturbing, i know theres actually a lot but let me live my life, i love kageyema milk boi, im having so many useless tags now someone stop me, jk i have life vest on, let's all suffer, maybe? - Freeform, omy god i dont know what im doing, please bear with me, smut maybe? idk lets see, the tags will increase im telling you, this will be emotional
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27178420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iskinnedmyheart/pseuds/iskinnedmyheart
Summary: Tobio's never been lucky to get what he wants, but he needs this one thing as badly as he wants it. Too bad he's not great at getting what he needs as well.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 13
Kudos: 114





	1. Desire

**Author's Note:**

> Desideratum (n) /di-ˌsi-də-ˈrä-təm/  
> : something desired as essential
> 
> PLEASE READ THE END NOTE.

Needs and wants. Two different things. Two different things that were often mistaken for one another. There is something that you need so bad you always want to have it, then there's something you want so bad that it becomes a need. People have many needs, yes, but people have wants more than their needs. Because people want too many things. Because people are greedy. 

"Tobio, no!"

His mother shouted as she snatched the toy car out of her son's 5-year-old tiny hands. They were at the department store of a mall where his mother usually buys her clothes. Sparkly and skimpy dresses that hug her figure well. Little Tobio hates those dresses, they're too shiny and they leave glitter everywhere but his mother seems to like them so much because she will always buy a new one every week. He doesn't even know what she does to those dresses, she doesn't wear them at home or even when they go out together. He had never seen his mother wear those dresses.

"Mama, I wan it.." Tobio whined, still eyeing the orange toy car that was snatched from him and now placed at the highest counter, so it was out of his reach.

"I said no, you don't need it. You have too many toys." 

Now, that's not true. He wants to tell his mother that's not true. He only has three toys, the first one, a pink plastic ball that was given to him by his older sister, Miwa, when he said he doesn't own any toy and was only borrowing toys from their neighbors' kids. She said it could be his because "it's too ugly now and I haven't used it for years, I almost forgot I even have it if I didn't look under my bed this morning. Besides, mother gave me a new one." Despite that, Tobio was still very happy upon receiving his first toy. He hugged his sister and played with the ball for the entire day. His second toy, a worn-out brown teddy bear that was accidentally left by his cousin when he along with his parents visited them last year. It has one eye left and has a tear at the back where some of the stuff comes out when Tobio squeezes it too tight. He still sleeps hugging it every night though. Tobio's third toy, and his most cherished one, was a gift from his grandfather. It was a volleyball, put in a paper bag and wrapped in plastic, given to him on his 4th birthday. He felt so happy, even happier than the time he received his first toy. His mama told him not to cry because boys don't cry but that didn't stop his eyes from welling up when he first touch the ball, his volleyball, his first brand-new toy.

That was also the last addition to Tobio's collection. He hasn't received any new toy this year. Not even one from both his parents.

He tugged at his mother's blouse. "Mama, I wan the toy...mama..."

His mother glanced at him before going back to look at the various shiny clothes lined up on a rack. 

"Don't start now Tobio, I already told you no. And what did I say about not touching things? Just wait till I get you home."

Tobio's face morphs into sadness and his eyes start to well up. He wants nothing more than to slump on the floor and cry while swinging his legs and arms in the air. But Tobio knows better now because the last time he threw a tantrum at his mother he was dragged from the same department store all the way to their house. Tobio will never forget his Mama's angry face as she hit him repeatedly on his bum until he was crying and begging for her to stop, " M-ma.. mama.. maaa.. please.. mama!! Stop! Mama!" It was so painful that even weeks after his wounds heal he could still feel the sting on his bum. When his grandfather found out about what happened he was furious, Tobio recognized it on his face. He rarely sees that face but he knew something not good was going to happen. He remembered his grandfather confronting his mother at their kitchen while he was sitting on his bed upstairs. He remembered hearing shouts and the door slamming shut. 

He didn't see his mother for months after that. 

So Tobio made sure to swallow his complaints and stop his tears. He made sure to obey his Mama's orders so she will be pleased. Because Tobio doesn't want another fight. And he wants to keep seeing his Mama every week.

_People shouldn't want many things. People shouldn't be greedy._

* * *

Tobio was tightly clutching his precious volleyball close to his chest as he was being led inside a house with big glass doors. His other hand was grasped by the big callous hand of his Papa. This was the first time he's going out with his father and they were attending a birthday party of one of his cousins.

In the car on the way here, his father reminded him of a couple of things. "Tobio, when we arrive there I don't want you to make a mess. Don't run around, don't break things, most importantly don't fight with your cousins. Just sit quietly, eat your food and when I said we go home, we will go home. Do you understand?" 

"Yes, Papa."

"Good, I don't want a disobedient child." 

Tobio's 7-year-old mind thinks about nothing but being an obedient child so his Papa will like him. So they will go out again another time. So he will see his Papa as frequent as he sees his Mama. 

"No, don't touch it!" 

Tobio slapped Renjiro's hands as he tried to snatch the ball from Tobio's arms again. 

"We just want to play with it!" Renjiro's younger brother shouted back at him.

He glared at the two boys making them back away from fear.

"Mama!!!!" Renjiro, the birthday celebrant, wailed as he dragged his brother away from Tobio. Ready to tattle to his mother about what happened

"What is happening here?" The deep baritone voice of his father was what made him stop glaring and lookup. His Papa now standing in the middle between him and the brats.

"Uncle, your son doesn't let us play with his ball. He even pushed us! We just wanted to play with the ball!" Renjiro exaggeratedly said. His eyes gleaming with wicked joy.

"Tobio.." His father started, eyes hard and face looking disappointed.

"That's not true, I didn't push them! And they were poking my ball with a fork! They were trying to destroy it!"

The tattletale's younger brother butted in and shouted, "Lie! You are lying, we didn't do that! You pushed us, stop denying it!"

His father scooted down in front of him to match his height. They were now face to face and Tobio could see the anger in his Papa's expression. Memories of his Mama hitting him crossed his mind. His eyes start to water and his body starts to shake.

His father grabbed his shoulders and squeezed them.

"Tobio, is that true?" 

The tone of command in his voice is very evident, demanding an answer immediately.

"N-no... No Papa." Tobio stammered out of fear, anticipating a hit any minute now.

"Liar!" 

A whiny voice yelled once again but Tobio didn't dare look towards it. He just bowed his head and looked at the floor, not wanting to see his Papa's angry face or his cousins' annoying ones or anyone who's looking at them right now. He just clutched his volleyball tighter between his small frail arms.

"Tobio, look at me." 

The grip on his shoulders is getting tighter each minute eliciting pain but he didn't say anything and he didn't look at his father. His head stayed down, tears pooling at his feet. Trying so hard to keep the sounds in his throat.

"Tobio... give the ball to your cousins."

That was the last straw for Tobio, he went to shake even more and the sobs he tried so hard to keep were now coming out. 

He shakes his head aggressively. 

_I don't want my ball to get destroyed. This is a gift from Kazuyo-san. I need to protect it. I don't want Papa to get mad at me. I want us to go out again. But I can't give my ball. I can't obey him. They will destroy my ball._

The pain in his shoulders all the way down his arms is increasing by each second.

"Stop crying, people are looking at us now. Listen to me and give the ball to your cousins."

The viciousness in his tone is getting more evident and it scares Tobio more.

_He's mad at me. He's going to hit me. He's going to hurt me just like Mama. I didn't obey him. I made him angry. I'm a bad boy._

"You're making a mess right now kid." His father said in a defeated manner.

Tobio just stayed still. Wanting the time to stop. 

_We are not going to go out again._

His father dragged him back to the car, Tobio didn't look back once.

"I am so disappointed at you Tobio, so disappointed. I couldn't believe you went and pushed your cousins just because of that damn ball. Be thankful I'm still not throwing that away right now."

His father is gripping the steering wheel hard, veins in his hands and arms are protruding. 

_Will, he hit me too?_

"I- I didn't push them, Papa. I promise I didn't. T-they were making up stories. They were trying to destroy the ball, I'm not lying."

His father looked him dead in the eye. Pupils wide and gleaming with anger.

"You're expecting me to believe that?" 

Silence.

"Stop it, stop crying. Your tears won't make me believe you. You're just like your mother."

Tobio looked down and wiped his tears. He didn't want to cry. But his Papa's words hurt him.

_I just want you to believe me._

"God, this is exactly the reason why I'm divorcing your mother. I cannot stand liars."

He glanced at the kid sitting beside him and huffed with disgust.

"No wonder, her son is also a liar."

No words were said after that. The rest of the ride was filled with silence aside from small almost inaudible hiccups coming from Tobio. But contrary to the silence, Tobio's mind was running loud. 

_What does divorce mean? Why did Papa say he's divorcing Mama? Did he call me a liar? I'm not a liar! Are we going out again? Will I see Papa again?_  
_I want to see Papa again. I want to see Papa and Mama. Why I never see Mama and Papa talk to each other? Why I never see them together? I want to see Papa and Mama together. I want us all to go out together with Miwa. I want us all to live together._

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He didn't notice the car had stopped. They arrived at Kazuyo-san's house, his Papa opened the door and told him to get out. Then left without a word.

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Tobio stood outside his grandfather's house, alone in the cold of the night, watching his father's car drive away until it slowly fades from the distance.

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That was the last time Tobio saw him.

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* * *

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**Tobio was seven when he discovered what divorce means.**

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His grandfather was tucking him to bed after he helped him clean in the bathroom.

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"Kazuyo-san... what does divorce means?"

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Tobio asked in a small voice but he was looking straight at his grandfather's brown eyes.

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Kazuyo stopped stroking the younger's hair. He looks at his grandson, waiting and curious, too innocent to know what mess that word holds.

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"Where did you hear that?"

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Tobio looks down and plays with the hem of his blanket. "Papa said he's divorcing Mama because he couldn't stand liars."

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His grandfather didn't say anything for a while. He just stared at the wall for a few minutes before returning his gaze at Tobio and caressed his cheek.

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**Tobio was seven when he first heard about love.**

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"You know that your father and mother are married right?"

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Tobio nodded though he barely understands what being married means. Only adults do it so he knows now isn't the right time to contemplate that.

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"Tobio, people get married because they love each other and they want to be together,"

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Love? Do Mama and Papa love each other? I don't understand it but Kazuyo-san said people get married when they want to be together, so why Mama and Papa are not together?

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"But...Kazuyo-san, I haven't seen Mama and Papa together?"

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Kazuyo-san smiled at him gloomily. Trying to supply a small child with words he can understand and words that won't hurt seems to be impossible.

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"Tobio, divorce is what married people do when they don't want to be married anymore." He said softly and slowly, hoping that the way he said it can lessen the impact of those words on the small child's heart.

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Tobio looks down at his orange blanket. Feeling the fleecy texture on his palms, trying to comprehend what his grandfather implies. 

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People get married because they love each other. People get divorced because they want to stop being married to each other.

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"Kazuyo-san?"

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"Hmm?"

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The small child slowly lifts his eyes. Different emotions swirling inside them.

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"They stopped loving each other, right? Mama and Papa?"

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Kazuyo-san froze but eventually smiled, relief and grief stretching his lips. He kissed Tobio's forehead before adjusting the blanket higher.

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"Sleep Tobio, we'll go watch volleyball practice tomorrow."

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The kiss Kazuyo-san left on his forehead still lingers on his skin as he watches his grandfather's retreating behind. 

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He heard the click before he realized the elder was gone. 

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That night he stopped wanting to please his mother and stopped wanting to see his father.

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He stopped thinking they could all be together one day. He stopped thinking he will have a family with a mother and father under one roof. He stopped thinking about impossible things. 

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_They don't want that. They don't want me. They never did._

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He didn't go out of his room when his mother visited him that week, he turned down her invitation to go shopping the next day, and the next week, and all the following weeks. Until she stopped inviting him. Until she stopped visiting. 

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**_If I leave them first, I would never get left behind again._ **

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* * *

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**Tobio was nine years old when he first heard the word soulmates.**

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His classmates were crowding around the corner when he entered the classroom. That is a usual occurrence every morning if the teacher hasn't entered the class yet so he didn't mind them and just went straight to his desk which is unfortunately located at the back of the room where his classmates are gathering just like a cluster of maggots.

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He sat silently, waiting for the teacher to show her face and grace them with exuberant presence. Murmurs of frivolous things coming from the group on his right. Well, nothing interests him except volleyball so that's normal. He tried to block out the noise when the murmurs get louder but the attempt turns futile when one of the girls screamed in her irritatingly high-pitched voice.

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"I hope my soulmate is handsome and sweet!" 

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Tobio stops poking his desk with his pencil and turns his head to the group.

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There was a small girl with curly blonde hair tied into a ponytail, her fringe well-groomed in front of her face, not a single strand out of place. She was talking animatedly with her hands moving in the air while his classmates seem so enrapt with whatever she was telling them. She's just a kid but Tobio can imagine her growing into a beautiful lady, what he doesn't understand is why that thought makes him jealous instead of excited.

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AND WHAT IS A SOULMATE?

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His abstraction was broken when the teacher finally entered the room making everyone scramble back to their designated seats. The class begins and the teacher starts discussing but Tobio's mind is somewhere else.

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Needless to say, the word soulmate never left his mind the whole day.

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After school, he didn't go straight home like what his sister ordered, instead, he went to visit his grandfather in the hospital.

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Kazuyo-san is lying on the hospital bed looking paler than his normal complexion. Eyes lidded and on the verge of closing from lethargy but they remained open to watch his grandson. Tobio sat on the chair beside his bed, hugging his backpack close to his chest as he narrates about his day in school.

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"... umm Kazuyo-san?"

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The elder looks back at the child possessing inquisitive eyes.

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"Yes?"

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"What is a soulmate?"

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Kazuyo perked up from hearing that. This was the first time Tobio asked about soulmates. He never mentioned it to the boy before although he caught the child looking at the mark on his ankle a lot of times.

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"Why do you ask Tobio?"

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"I heard my classmates talking about it in class this morning."

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"Hmm... and it caught your interest? Normally, you don't care about what they say."

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"One of the girls was talking excitedly about it, saying soulmates are love and life. Well if that's the case why am I still alive even if I don't have a soulmate? And if soulmate is love, does that mean I couldn't love other people? But I love you and Miwa, I don't understand Kazuyo-san. It doesn't make sense?"

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The older man smiled listening to Tobio throwing questions at him. 

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_He has always been a curious child. Always asking about simple things he sees around. Yet when you give him a lot of information all at once, he won't understand a single thing._

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"Tobio, everyone has their soulmate. You just haven't met yours. And the love you feel for me and your sister is different from the love you will feel for your soulmate."

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"When will I meet my soulmate then? And what kind of love is that?"

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"Someday, when the right time has come for the two of you. The mark on your ankle that you always look at, that is your soulmate mark. Your soulmate has the same mark on their ankle so you can easily identify each other. Aside from that, your mark will finally show colors once you meet. And you will know what kind of love I'm talking about once you meet your soulmate."

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The child looks down at his feet for a few seconds but eventually glances away and looks outside the window. Then his expression turns sour.

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_So easy to read._

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"What's on your mind, Tobio?"

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The child hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth.

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"What if... what if I'll never meet my soulmate?" He said the last words silently, almost asking for it not to happen.

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"You will meet your soulmate, Tobio. I'm sure of it. Fate will always find a way to bring you to each other, you and your soulmate's life is linked together after all."

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"Okay. But what is a soulmate Kazuyo-san? I mean, what's their purpose?"

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"A soulmate is exactly what you heard."

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"Life and love?"

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"And more. They are so much more. Come closer Tobio, come, sit on the bed."

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Tobio followed and climbed to sit on Kazuyo-san's bed. His little feet dangling on the edge. Kazuyo-san grabs his hands and rubbed them.

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"Soulmates are your life partner. They are mates of your soul. Someone that gets you. It's a connection of mind, and unconditional love, and a total understanding of each other's being. Once you meet your soulmate, there will be a burst of happiness inside you."

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Tobio tried to grasp everything that his grandfather said, but they were just too much. He doesn't understand how your entire life can depend and circle around one person. That's too much? And sounds unfair.

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"But Kazuyo-san, what if I don't want my soulmate?"

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His grandfather just smiled.

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"Why wouldn't you want someone who understands and loves you?"

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"What if my soulmate doesn't love me? What if he doesn't want me? What will happen to me then?"

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"Tobio... don't think so negatively about your soulmate. Fate has a reason why you and your soulmate were chosen for each other. Of course, you will want each other. Fate is never wrong."

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_That makes it worse. Why would you just let your life be dictated and controlled by this thing called fate? What if fate is wrong? Then you wouldn't have the power to change things? That makes it so unfair!_

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"How can you be so sure Kazuyo-san?"

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"Sure of what?"

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"That fate is never wrong."

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"Well, fate gave me your Nana. And that was the rightest thing that happened to me."

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Kazuyo-san's eyes are shining every time he talks about Nana. So that's how it is to be in love?

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But... Nana is-

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"But Kazuyo-san, Nana is gone, right? She's gone for a long time."

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"Yes, Tobio."

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The younger fidgets with his hands as he utters his next words.

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"How... how does that affect you?"

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"Her death is the most painful thing I've experienced. It was as if half of your life was taken away. The pain is beyond words Tobio. Everyone who lost their soulmate goes through that pain. But even if your Nana is not here, I still love her with everything I have."

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Then he showed his wrist, a beautiful fading blue mark of snow adorning the wrinkled skin.

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"Snow?"

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"We met each other during winter."

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Tobio nodded. He remembered seeing many pictures of Kazuyo-san and Nana together in the snow, particularly in Niseko. That explains why.

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Then something dawned on him.

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"Kazuyo-san are my parents soulmates?"

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"...No"

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"Why?"

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"Because you don't choose your soulmate. They were given to you."

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"But they are married! And.. and you said people who love each other get married. How- I don't understand Kazuyo-san."

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"You see Tobio, I am so grateful because I got to meet your Nana and be with her until her last breath but not everyone is as fortunate as I am. Some people got to spend only a little time with their soulmate due to certain reasons. Though there were rare cases where one didn't meet their soulmate at all, because they died even before they meet each other."

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"uh... what?"

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The topic of death has always bothered Tobio. It's just sad and tragic. Death itself is morbid. He doesn't think about it that much because he doesn't want to think about it. Being left behind by someone is one thing but losing someone you haven't met yet is just right down cruel. And he couldn't imagine what kind of pain people who suffered from that went through.

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"Kazuyo-san, what does that have to do with my parents' marriage?"

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His grandfather holds his hand tighter, the thumb rubbing the back of Tobio's hand.

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"Your mother... she's one of those rare cases, Tobio. Her soulmate died before she was even born. She doesn't have a soul mark like you or me."

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Tobio went silent. Too surprised and too confused. 

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"Tobio?"

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"Ojiisan, okasan might have lost her soulmate but otosan didn't, right? So why? Why did he marry okasan instead of his soulmate?"

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"Your father had always ignored what is the norm, he is not easily swayed by the opinions of other people, and to be honest I saw that as a unique trait of him. But I told him not to do overdo that. There are things you shouldn't defy. But your father is too stubborn to listen."

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"Kazuyo-san, maybe he didn't marry his soulmate because he loves mama and not his soulmate, I see nothing wrong with that."

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His grandfather shakes his head.

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"Oh Tobio, how can he love his soulmate if he hasn't met her yet at that time. He didn't even wait to meet his soulmate before marrying your mother. Too eager because he's so smitten. I told him so many times, he shouldn't defy nature and rebel against fate or he will reap the bad consequences from it. But he's too impulsive and too impatient. And look at what happened to their relationship now."

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Tobio just listened and watched as his grandfather's face twisted with disappointment and annoyance. In all honesty, he doesn't see anything wrong with what his father did, he was just in love. He heard from Miwa that love makes you do stupid things. He's maybe too young to know how stupid can you get when you're in love but he's seen his sister put things on her face because _"I have to look beautiful for my boyfriend! Oops- you're not supposed to hear that. Don't tell Kazuyo-san what you heard then I will buy you milk, okay Tobio?"_ but makes her look stupid instead. So yes, he does believe love makes you stupid.

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But Kazuyo-san seems to be against their relationship.

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"Ojiisan, are you saying my parents' relationship is wrong?"

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The elder avoids his eyes and the hands stroking his skin stop.

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"It shouldn't have happened."

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Tobio winced. "If it shouldn't have happened... are- are you saying Miwa and I is a mistake then?"

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Kazuyo-san instantly turns to him, there's slight panic in his eyes. He reached for his hand and caressed the boy's face. 

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"No! Tobio, that's not what I meant. I would never think of you and Miwa that way. You were never a mistake, never and never will. You both are the best things that were given to me, I love you and I will never regret having you. Always remember that, Tobio, okay?"

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There's a tremble in his grandfather's voice but his eyes were soft. His touches were soft. And it makes Tobio feel warm. So warm he wanna stay this way.

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"Okay... I love you too Kazuyo-san. I'm sure Miwa loves you too."

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The elder smiled as he tried to hold back the tears forming in his eyes.

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"I know. Your birthday is near, when I get out of here let's cook your favorite curry, okay?"

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"Okay." Kazuyo-san smiled. "I don't want to talk about soulmates anymore Ojiisan, can we talk about volleyball instead?"

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"Of course, have you been practicing your tosses while I'm away?"

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Just like that, the topic of soulmates has been put away, but never in Tobio's mind.

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Years passed and he is now in a new school with new classmates and teachers. His skills have improved and far better than when he was in primary school. Days of continuous practices and relentless effort to be better that is very unusual for a boy his age to possess did that. And as his feet drag him towards the new gym the louder the sounds of squeaking shoes and balls bouncing on hardwood floors get. He halted when he arrived at the door, not because he suddenly got nervous and chickened out but because he just witnessed the most beautiful scene he'd ever seen in his whole life unfold. Of someone with the most beautiful form throwing the ball high in the air and going up for the jump serve. In a blink, the ball landed on the other side of the court, sounding as perfect as the one who hit it. 

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Out of the blue, their eyes met, and with the rhythm of his rapidly beating heart, the throbbing of his ankle starts, right on the spot where his mark lies.

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He just wanted to play volleyball.

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_God, he just wanted to play volleyball._

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	2. Deviation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deviation (n) /ˌdēvēˈāSH(ə)n/  
> : the action of departing from an established course or accepted standard.

Isn't it incredible how humans were made? Like we are all the same but also different in many ways. 

Tobio has always been different from his peers. While kids his age prefer to play tag outside or videogames, he prefers playing volleyball instead. Despite that, he still tried befriending them because his Kazuyo-san said, “Tobio, you need to socialize as well, it’s essential in developing one’s character.” but he only felt like an outsider. Whenever he tried to fit in a group he would only feel out of place because he doesn't understand most of the things they talk about. He never felt like he belongs, and the other kids never failed to make him feel that way.

You can blame it on poor social skills, however, Tobio knows it's the lack of willingness to reach out and communicate. He did his part, why can't they?

* * *

****Tobio was nine**** when he discovered that even if people vary when it comes to interests, we still have a common ground — **the need to belong.**

“My mom told me not to associate with you anymore because you’re weird.”

Tobio was practicing his tosses during break time when he heard that. He stopped and turned in the direction of the voice. He saw two boys from another class prodding a kid with big rimmed glasses.

“What do you mean weird? You’re the one being weird with your stupid hair!” said the smaller one.

Tobio couldn’t help but snicker with the remark, he can clearly see why the hair is stupid. It has this eccentric shade of green with the sides shaved. He looks like those poor dyed easter chicks being sold in the streets.

Unexpectedly, the company of the green-haired boy steps forward and shoves the glasses kid. “You’re the stupid one, your soulmate is a boy!”

Tobio’s brows shot up. 

_Soulmates._

“You’re soulmate is a boy like you. My momma said that’s not normal. Your soulmate should be of the opposite sex so you could have a family one day. That’s why you’re weird, you’re not normal and you’re a flaw in nature!”

Tobio’s ears pricked and he suddenly possessed the urge to surge and punch who said that. And he’s not even a violent child!

But the glasses kid already did what Tobio had in mind by punching the green-haired boy. So he halted with his steps and just watched them throw punches at each other while the other kid tried to break them off. A few students saw what was happening and are now watching them as well.

_WHAT IS WRONG WITH HAVING A SOULMATE OF THE SAME SEX?_

They only stopped when a teacher saw them and intervened. Both boys displaying cuts and bruises on their faces. Although Tobio couldn’t help but be happy when he saw the green-haired boy more beaten.

He wanted to stay and find out more but the bell rang indicating the break was over and he should go back to his classroom. With one last look, he saw the three kids being ushered to the principal’s office. 

Whispers about the scene emerged during fourth period. Their teacher on this subject was being late again so as usual his classmates were busy roaming around. 

“Hey, did you hear that Nishimura and Okamoto from class B-1 and Miyazaki from class D were taken to the principal’s office?”

“Huh? Nishimura? The scary kid with green hair?”

_So that ugly chick’s name is Nishimura._

“Yes, that one!”

“Why?”

“A teacher found them fighting each other. I heard they were taunting Miyazaki because of his soulmate.”

“Why? What’s wrong with his soulmate?”

“Oh I don’t know but what I heard is that his soulmate is also a boy.”

“Oh my god!”

“I know! It was crazy!”

_What the hell is wrong with these kids? What’s so shocking about having a soulmate that has the same sex? What’s the fuss all about? If fate determines soulmates then who are them to question that? Why would you judge something out of your control?_

“But how did they found out about his soulmate? Does he go to this school as well?”

“I don’t know. But I always see the three of them walk home together after school so I guess they live in the same neighborhood.”

“Oh. I bet the news is spreading around now. Do you think they will be expelled?”

“Hmm that’s too harsh, maybe they’ll just suspend them or deduct some points.”

The two girls keep on gossiping when suddenly one of their boy classmates butt in.

“That Miyazaki has a boy for a soulmate? Naaasty! You should stay away from him then or anyone like him. They’re disgusting and according to my father they will just bring bad luck to your lives!”

Tobio clenched his fists as tight as he can to stop himself from walking over and breaking his nose. But he doesn’t want to be taken to the principal’s office too. He couldn’t afford to be suspended and missed practice and possibly missed a match as well. 

_Volleyball. Just think about volleyball and the court. You want to play volleyball. You want to keep playing volleyball._

“That was what my aunt told me as well! Maybe they were right! Why are these people even born? They’re just a disgrace to humanity!”

One of the girls screeched.

_A disgrace to humanity. Huh, dumbass._

Tobio was taught to respect everyone especially elders and women. His grandfather told him several times that women are precious creatures given by God to grace this world and that he should always show respect to them. But right at this moment, Tobio really wants to slap the girl right on her stupid pretty face.

_Calm down. Calm down. You don’t want to miss playing a match. Calm down._

He took consecutive deep breaths to prevent himself from standing up and approaching the trio. He averts his eyes from the sight of them and looks around to distract himself from his detrimental thought.

At the corner of his eye, he caught someone gripping a pen tightly, tighter than normal. He grew curious so he kept watching with attentive eyes. Contrary to popular belief, Tobio isn’t negligent but a very observant person. And there are times, super rare unexplained moments where he can miraculously put two and two together to form a very logical conclusion.

“From now on, we should be more careful with people we befriend or interact with. Number one rule is we shouldn’t include people with same-sex soulmates in our group. They don’t belong to us. Got it?” 

“Yes!!!” 

From his left, the group of imbeciles squealed.

In front of him, the girl dropped her pen.

Tobio sneered.

There are rare unexplained times like today, at this very moment, while he stares at his timid and quiet classmate, where Tobio can miraculously put two and two together to form a very logical conclusion.

_I know. Beyond everything, we all crave to belong._

Tobio arrived home in the afternoon, his entire body is vibrating with eagerness to gather answers from his grandfather. He was at the doorway, about to remove his shoes when he was hit with a deliciously familiar smell. 

_Kazuyo-san is cooking curry!_

He quickly ran straight to the kitchen and saw his grandfather stirring something in a pot. Kazuyo beamed when he saw him. Warmth and adoration all for the enthusiastic kid.

“Tobio, you’re early! Don’t you have practice today?”

The child dropped his bag on the entryway and walked to the stove.

“Coach was absent today, they said he’s sick. What are you cooking?”

He tiptoes to try and take a look in the pot but still too small to succeed with his attempts.

His grandfather chuckles in amusement.

“I’m cooking your favorite so why don’t you go to your room and change first.”

The child stop peeking and walked away but instead of going upstairs he just sits on one of the chairs at the dining table. Kazuyo got curious so he stares at him. The previous excitement on the younger’s face has now been replaced with a frown and a sullen look.

“Tobio?”

Gloomy eyes peer up at him.

“What’s wrong?”

The kid looked away then sported a big pout. 

The elder became really worried now because the scowl gets worse and Tobio seeming to have an outburst any minute. 

But the kid just heaved a deep sigh and look him straight in the eye. 

“Kazuyo-san what do you think about same-sex soulmates?”

Kazuyo blinked and was silent for a few moments. His mind went blank, too shocked by the sudden question. Tobio is an extraordinary kid, he knows that very well, he thought he already got used to that but there are still moments where this child leaves him speechless. Just like today.

He cleared his throat when he regained his composure, an invisible lump suddenly bothering his airway.

“I think nothing, they’re just like any other soulmates Tobio. What am I supposed to think about them anyway?”

Same-sex soulmates are not unfamiliar cases but not very common either. And he’s definitely not oblivious to the issue surrounding them. He’s just worried Tobio thinks badly about them just like other crude people.

The child’s eyes widened. 

_Why was he surprised?_

“You don’t think they’re a flaw in nature or a disgraced to humanity?” He asked but winced afterward.

“A what? That’s so ridiculous Tobio, where did you hear that?”

Those were kinds of words he would never expect to hear from Tobio. They were so harsh and spiteful that he wouldn’t even wish his enemies to receive those. They were like quoted phrases from a fanatic adult’s mouth.

“Some stupid kid at school.” The child muttered with a scowl appearing once again.

Kazuyo scoot down to Tobio’s eye level and asks, “Do you believe that?”

“That they’re a flaw in nature? Of course not! You said soulmates were given to us by fate and fate is never wrong you said. So no. How could they be a flaw in nature if they were given by something faultless such as fate?”

The elder was stunned. But he felt relieved like he just lost a heavy load in his chest.

_Oh, Tobio, when did you get so smart?_

“Never say those things to anyone, okay? People with same-sex soulmates are as normal as people that have soulmates of the opposite sex. They’re not a flaw in nature or whatever mean things others describe them. They are perfectly normal as we are.”

Kazuyo stood up and went back to his cooking. 

The sauce of the curry now starting to thicken. He adds black pepper.

“But ojiisan, same-sex soulmates cannot have their own children, right? They cannot build a family of their own. Is that so wrong?”

Kazuyo, once again, stopped moving but quickly regained his thoughts and turns around to face the child with big very blue eyes.

“Tobio, soul mating is not about having children. Fate, the very one responsible for bounding people together doesn’t require soulmates to have children of their own. So no, I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

“But soulmates were destined to love each other and you said people who love each other get married. And didn’t married people have their own children? Like ma… like my parents…before?”

Kazuyo took a deep breath. 

_The hardest questions come from a child, indeed._

“No, not all Tobio. Not all soulmates have their own children. And as you know, not all married people are soulmates, just like your parents. Not all married people have children too. That’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with that — it doesn’t lessen the love in the relationship.”

Tobio tilted his head to one side and blinked up in confusion. 

Kazuyo turns around to check what he’s cooking.

“You see Tobio, while I told you before that having a soulmate means receiving unconditional love and a partner for life it doesn’t mean you are obligated to start a relationship with them. That’s the most common misconception about soulmates nowadays. They think once you meet your soulmate you will automatically have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you’re not allowed to say no. That’s wrong, you still have a choice. Some soulmates didn’t end up building a family together but instead formed a lifetime of friendship. It doesn’t mean there’s no love in there, no, there’s love, just not romantically.”

“That– that’s possible?”

“Of course that’s possible, son.”

“But with the connection their souls have, isn’t it too hard to just remain friends?”

“Of course it’s hard. It’s completely impossible to stay away from your soulmates forever because it will be dangerous for both of you. Your souls will keep yearning for each other and physical proximity can only solve that. Though it’s possible to just stay friends because closeness and communication are still there. It will be hard at first but eventually, it will get easier with time.”

“People agree with that?”

“Not all but as long as both parties are happy with the decision then everything is good. Fate may dictate the people in your life but you still have a say on how you will spend your life with them. I knew soulmates who didn’t end up together and instead decided to build their own family separately but remained good friends until they died. Platonic soulmates are as normal as having a soulmate of the same sex. Not everything revolves around romantic love and building a family after all. You always have a choice, remember that, Tobio.” 

“But what about other people? What about the things they say?”

“Son…” He added a dash of paprika, “when you grow up you will realize that the opinions of other people wouldn’t matter that much. You will learn to ignore the things they say because all they have are words but they don’t own your life.” 

“And if they reject you?”

Kazuyo continued to stir the curry and the delicious smell of it intensified in the room. “So? Tobio, you can’t change everyone’s opinion or even please them with yours and that’s the reality. Live and be happy with what you have. Don’t let other people decide what you should do and what to think about yourself. Just be kind to everyone, no matter who or what they are, and hope that your kindness will sprout kindness in their hearts.”

Tobio stayed silent and just watched his grandfather as he continues his cooking. 

He suddenly remembers the time when Miwa said she would finally stop playing volleyball for some dumb reason her boyfriend that time told her.

Kazuyo-san gave the same advice with a gentle smile on his face. 

> **_**“Other people don't get to tell you what you think is dumb or not! No one understands what is and is not important to you better than you do!”** _ **

_I will remember that always, Kazuyo-san. Always._

After a while, Kazuyo put down the spatula and face his now quite grandson.

He smiled and offered his hand to the child, “Come and taste the food.”

Tobio stood up and slowly approached his ojiisan. A spoon filled with a small strip of pork and curry sauce was handed to him. He blew on it before tasting, careful because it’s still frizzling with smoke. 

“You know Tobio, you shouldn’t worry much with that young age of yours. Care a little less about what others say and have more faith in your soulmate.”

_The smell is good, it looks delicious, the meat is soft, the sauce is rich and thick, has an aftertaste. The spices are just enough._

_It’s perfect._

“It’s yummy…” Is what Tobio said.

Kazuyo chuckles and ruffles his hair. “Of course it is. Now go upstairs and clean yourself while I set the table.”

Tobio nodded and immediately left the room with his bag. But before completely leaving Kazuyo called out his name.

“Tobio..”

The child looks back. Eyes shining with curiosity.

“Family is not only about children and blood, okay?” 

Tobio blinked twice then nodded his head with uncertainty. 

Kazuyo smiles.

“You can go to your room.”

Tobio left without a word.

Kazuyo watched as the inquisitive child ascend the stairs.

_Hold on Tobio, everything will fall into place one day_.

* * *

Tobio was nine and he’s very cautious with the people he trusts.

Tobio was nine and he had this constant fear of being left behind.

Tobio was nine and he had Kazuyo-san and Miwa and ****that was enough****.

The three of them have their weekly routine of running every Saturday morning. This has been going on for as long as Tobio can remember and he always looks forward to it every weekend.

Unfortunately, due to Kazuyo-san’s admission to the hospital, they had to skip running for 3 consecutive Saturdays. Today though, Kazuyo has fully recovered and Tobio is so excited because they can finally continue with their usual routine.

He wakes up early and skips down the stairs jovially. He found Kazuyo in the kitchen sipping his coffee. The elder perks up and shoots Tobio a smile when he saw him. He then handed the child his steaming milk. 

Tobio accepts the drink with great delight.

_This is the best day of the week!_

“Ojiisan, is Miwa not awake yet?”

It’s quite unusual for Tobio not to see his sister up. She usually wakes up way before him and drinks her hot choco in the kitchen while browsing through her phone. 

Kazuyo continued sipping his coffee instead of answering so the child just went back to drinking his milk as well. 

_Even the burn on my tongue feels good…_

The clink of something dropping on the sink made Tobio turn his head. He saw his grandfather now washing his hand after finishing his coffee. 

“Finish your milk and drink water after. We’ll go out by…” He glanced at the wall clock at the far side of the room, “we’ll go out by 6. Okay?” 

Tobio nodded. Kazuyo kissed his head before going upstairs. 

_He will probably wake up Miwa._

Six o’clock arrives and he sees Kazuyo descending the stairs but no Miwa.

Kazuyo grabs his jacket and shoes then walks to the door, meanwhile, Tobio is still looking at the stairs.

“C’mon Tobio, wear your shoes now, it’s already 6.”

Tobio grabs his shoes and slips it on. Constantly glancing back to the stairs while doing so.

“Is Miwa not coming with us?”

Confusion and dismay dripping from his voice.

Kazuyo looks at the child and is immediately greeted by captivating blue eyes. The color of the orbs resembling the midnight sky.

He felt the strong tug at his heart. He knows he cannot hide something from Tobio, especially when it concerns his sister.

“Miwa left for college, Tobio.”

It was nothing for a few seconds. Then he witnessed how Tobio’s eyes rapidly gloss. He blinked multiple times and looked forward in an attempt to avoid his grandfather’s gaze. 

“When?” He asked in a small voice, lips trembling.

“Your father picked her earlier this morning, they must be halfway to Tokyo now.”

Tobio just nods, no words coming out from him. Kazuyo releases a deep breath before twisting the doorknob.

He waits for the younger to step out first but Tobio remains standing.

“Tobio…”

Tobio lifelessly moves. His steps stiff and forced.

They were outside the door now, the harsh breeze of cold air slapping Tobio's skin making his lips dry up. His hair wafting with the air.

Kazuyo brings out a bonnet and put it on Tobio’s head, patting his shoulder when it’s done.

Tobio looks up to the clear blue sky. Birds are flying above. Leaves rustling with the wind. The air is crisp and pristine but Tobio feels like crying. 

_Is the sky this blue in Tokyo?_

Kazuyo takes his hand.

****Tobio is nine, and he has this constant fear of being left behind.** **

****

> _"Miwa, let’s go run!”_
> 
> _“Not now Tobio, Kazuyo-san’s not here, we can’t let him miss out, right?”_
> 
> _“But we didn’t run last week, we can’t miss this week again!”_
> 
> _“Who says we can’t? Besides, I have homework to do. Let’s just run next time. I promise as soon as Kazuyo-san gets home, the three of us will run together. But for now, just play with your ball, okay?”_
> 
> _“Okay… but that’s a promise!”_
> 
> _“Yes, Tobio. We can pinky swear if you want.”_
> 
> _“Deal!”_

“... Tobio… Tobio?” 

Kazuyo squeezes his hand. Tobio peers up at him.

“Let’s start running?”

Tobio nods and forces his legs to move. Every step makes the load in his chest heavier. He wants to stop. He wants to explode. But no. 

No.

_Keep running. Keep running._

Kazuyo makes sure to keep an eye on his grandson. His moves are not faltering and all normal but his eyes are dull and distant. As if his mind is elsewhere and it’s just his muscle memory taking action.

_Keep running. You have to chase them… keep running…_

When you hold onto people loosely, they slip away, when you hold onto people too much they break away. They leave either way. Because you’re not supposed to hold onto people, but Tobio didn’t know that.

_Papa… Mama… Miwa_

****Tobio was nine**** and he had this constant fear of being left behind.

* * *

A voice from the far side of the gym snaps him away from his reverie. He shakes his head and clenches his hands. 

_No way. It’s too early for this._

“First years, line up and introduce yourselves!” A deep voice yelled in command. The voice came from a tall tanned guy with spiky hair. He was holding a volleyball in one hand and the other on his hip.

_He looks scary, must be a third-year._

“Hurry up we have the practice to start!” The guy yelled again.

He saw two people sitting near the door scurrying to line themselves in front of the guy and that made him scramble to follow as well.

Tobio was the last in line, the first ones already started to introduce themselves. It made him jittery. He glanced at his left and saw the guy beside him was so tall he doesn’t seem like a first-year at all. The guy probably sensed Tobio looking so he throws him a side glance. That surprised the shorter and made him look in front which is absolutely a bad move. Because now, the same brown-haired guy he locked eyes with before is staring at him once again. Piercing chocolate eyes digging themselves through his soul. 

Tobio shudders and his breath falters. He wants to look away. He couldn’t look away. He can feel all the blood coming to his head, he can even hear how his heart rapidly beats like it wants to burst out from his chest. Also, the throbbing in his ankle worsens with each passing second.

_Move… reach.. touch…_

“Hey!” 

Tobio snaps back to reality. His senses slowly coming back to him like a newborn trying to assess the outside world. 

_What is happening? What am I feeling?_

He looks around and suddenly locks eyes with the spiky hair guy. The guy was raising his brow, impatience with a hint of amusement plastered on his face. “Introduce yourself please.” 

_Oh…_

Tobio scampers to find his voice and his words, “I- I’m Kageyama Tobio from Akiyama Elementary school. I p-played setter. It’s nice meeting all of you, I’m glad to be here and I promise to do my best!”

He made sure to louden his voice as much as possible without choking to at least lessen his embarrassment but when he saw almost everyone looking at him, the thought burst like a bubble in the air. He resorts to looking down and glueing his eyes to the floor instead.

“Setter huh…” The spiky hair guy said in a mocking tone. Bemusingly, the mock was not directed at him but at the brown-haired guy. “Anyway, my name is Iwaizumi Hajime, I’m a third-year outside hitter, and I will be your vice-captain this year. Please don’t hesitate to approach me with any problems regarding volleyball or if any issues arise between you and your seniors.” He smiles kindly which seems to contradict his scary voice and built physique. “Well…enough of me, it’s time to know your captain. And I just want to say I’m sorry in advance, we don’t really have a choice. He’s actually bearable if you get to kno-”

“Hey!” A voice slightly pitcher cut him off. 

The guy with the enthralling eyes stepped forward and shove Iwaizumi-san’s chest. “Stop ruining my perfect image and twist things in your favor! We all know what you’re saying is not true!” He whines like a child being deprived of his favorite sweets. Iwaizumi just rolled his eyes at him.

_Is he the captain?_

The guy suddenly looks in their direction and shows them a confident smile. “Hello, seedlings! My warmest welcome to all of you, I am your ever-amazing captain! My name is Oikawa Tooru but feel free to call me Oikawa-senpai anytime.” He throws a peace sign. “I’m a third year, as you may all figure out now and I am classmates with our vice-captain, Iwa-chan…” He throws Iwaizumi a teasing look while saying his name in a sing-song manner which Iwaizumi responds with a sneer. 

“Stop the nonsense Oikawa, we have practice to start.” Iwaizumi said in a firm voice.

“Shh!” Oikawa just signals him to shut up before continuing. “Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted by a certain someone, I was just about to say that I am currently at the top of my class so I can help you not just with your volleyball problems but your school problems too, isn’t that amazing? Isn’t your senpai so amazing?!” Then he laughed like a maniac person. 

The laugh sounded so bad but why does it make Tobio’s heart thud?

“But most important of all…” Oikawa’s voice now distinctly lower than his previous one and it sent chills down Tobio’s spine, “I am a setter.” He sends a sharp glance at Tobio before swooping the rest with his charming smile which made the others tenser than relax. “And I will make sure that all of you will have the best time of your lives. Now get some balls and let’s start the practice!” He turns around and grabs his own ball.

After that, everyone else released the breath they’ve been holding since Oikawa started his speech and scrambled to get their own ball with renewed vigor.

But Tobio remains on spot, looking at his captain’s back. His limbs, his hands, his hair. The urge to reach and touch only gets stronger every second he looks at him. His heartbeat fluctuating but his body feels so alive. His lungs clenching but it’s like taking a new breath of fresh air. 

The throbbing on his ankle stopped but it’s now burning. 

Tobio watched Oikawa spin a ball in his palms, toss it high in the air, and hit it as hard as he can. The ball bounces on the other side of the court, as incredible as the first time he witnessed it. 

_What am I feeling? What am I feeling?_

Tobio keeps watching. Every move, every spin, every toss, every hit, he keeps watching and watching until he finally realizes it. 

Oikawa shoots Iwaizumi a smile when the latter landed a perfect spike. The smile wasn’t the same one he showed to them a while ago, it’s not forced, not charming but so genuine.

It struck Tobio like a spike that ends a match. 

Tobio was twelve and he’s in middle school.

Tobio was twelve and he already met his new team.

****Tobio was twelve**** when it finally sank in. 

_I just met my soulmate._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait ✌ I was just so busy with exams and everything so I never really had much time to write. But I made sure to make it up to you guys with this 5k+ chapter. i really hope you like it! This is kinda slow burn by the way so please bear with me a lot since I won't be updating regularly. 
> 
> I had this sudden boost of motivation from the latest episode release ahhhh im so in love with everybody (hinata). The animation is top-notch too!!!!
> 
> I hope everyone is well and safe, lovelots 💗

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is heavily inspired by the series of sandersonsister and submersive. Go check out their works guys you will not regret a thing. 
> 
> And just some heads up, the updates will be a little slow. Again, please bear with me. This student is struggling a lot with studies and shits in life. 
> 
> Adios!


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